Feminist: Men don’t complain enough when taking over tasks from women.

Hat Tip Instapundit.  In her WaPo article Why don’t dads complain about parenthood like moms do? Samantha Rodman describes what she calls an alarming trend:

It seems like women are being publicly applauded for complaining about parenthood. And dads, well, aren’t. At all.

Rodman is delighted that women now feel freer than ever to complain.  But she is deeply troubled that while men are taking on more and more of the responsibilities feminist women have shunned, men aren’t doing it right.  Specifically, men are not complaining about these responsibilities like women do:

Imagine being at a play date and hearing someone say, “God, I needed a drink all day today. The kids were behaving terribly, I couldn’t deal.” You’re picturing a mom, right?

However, what if the speaker is a dad? The question is moot because I have yet to hear a dad complain this openly and honestly about his kids, and this is not for lack of trying. Dads don’t even take the conversational bait. If asked to commiserate about parenting, the average mom breathes a sigh of relief and sits forward in her seat, but the average dad looks around like he’s on Candid Camera and gives a vague answer about having lots of fun sitting around watching dance class through a two way mirror for the 15th week in a row.

What has not yet dawned on feminists is that men not complaining didn’t mean men got a better deal than women.  It is just that men are far less likely to complain.  Most men understand that bitching, moaning, and being miserly with love is ugly.  On the other hand, complaining about anything, everything, and even nothing is at the core of feminism.

Not surprisingly, Rodman sees confession sites like Scary Mommy as hallmarks of feminist progress.  Let it all hang out is the new slogan for motherhood, and being true to yourself is now the ultimate maternal virtue.  She is delighted at the thought of her daughters growing up to not be ashamed to be terrible mothers, liberated from the feminist arch-enemy, guilt.

Mommy guilt seems to be on its way out, shepherded by the honesty in the blogosphere and, more recently, by books like All Joy and No Fun by Jennifer Senior. The mom confessional zeitgeist has grown so dramatically that it is barely a trend anymore. Rather, it’s ushering in of a new era of honesty and self-disclosure for moms. This is all wonderful news, and I hope that mommy guilt is vestigial by the time my daughters may decide to become moms.

But in a baffling twist, weak men (who aren’t brave enough to bitch) and evil society are ruining it all.

Note: I am not judging any of these behaviors. I’m saying this: Tell me what the reaction would be if a dad talked about yelling too much and smoking pot in front of his kids.

If Daddy is going to be an equal parent, then Scary Daddy needs to be recognized and supported too.

Posted in Philosophy of Feminism, Scary Mommy, Ugly Feminists, Weak men screwing feminism up | 177 Comments

Gregoire vs Valenti

Rollo commented on the similarities between Sheila Gregoire and Jessica Valenti, founder of Feministing.

Let’s play the one degree of feminist separation:


“But…I’m not a feminist. I’m a Strong Independent Christian Woman®”

I touched on this in the original post, but it is worth showing a few bits side by side. The similarity between Gregoire’s funeral sandwich rant in Faith Today and Valenti’s Christmas rant at The Guardian is uncanny:

Valenti on feminist resentment: (actual title) No, I will NOT wrap all the presents. Why are women still responsible for the holiday joy?

Gregoire on feminist resentment:  (paraphrase) No, I will NOT make all the sandwiches. Why are women still responsible for feeding mourners?


Valenti on gendered expectations:

We all know that women do the majority of domestic work like child care, housework and cooking. But the holidays bring on a whole new set of gendered expectations…

Gregoire on gendered expectations:

…I must have missed the Sunday School lesson when they taught girls how to make funeral sandwiches…


Valenti on feminist guilt:

But we know that, if a present doesn’t get somewhere on time (if at all), if the cookies for the school’s holiday bake-off are store-bought, or your family holiday cards arrive just shy of February, it’s not men who get looked at askance.

Gregoire on feminist guilt:

I’m talking about hating guilt.

And when someone I don’t know from our church passes away, I invariably receive that guilt-inducing phone call: Can you make sandwiches for the funeral?


Valenti on society needing to recognize feminist progress:

After decades of feminist progress, women are still considered primarily responsible for an entire family’s holiday joy.

Gregoire on the church needing to recognize feminist progress:

Women have become busier, but church life hasn’t adapted to this new reality.

Posted in Jessica Valenti, Sheila Gregoire, Ugly Feminists | 65 Comments

Sandwich strike

I happened to be on Shiela Gregoire’s blog the other day and noticed one of her top trending posts was from a year ago, titled When Women Start Saying “No” to Church Activities.  As Gregoire explains, this is a column* she wrote for Faith Today, Canada’s largest Christian magazine.  It opens with:

I hate it when someone from our church family dies.

I’m not talking about hating grief. Grief is a normal part of life. I’m talking about hating guilt.

And when someone I don’t know from our church passes away, I invariably receive that guilt-inducing phone call: Can you make sandwiches for the funeral?

I must have missed the Sunday School lesson when they taught girls how to make funeral sandwiches…

The premise of the column is that women in the church are working too hard while men coast.  In order to right the situation women need to collectively stop saying “yes” when asked to do things like make sandwiches:

…this dysfunctional system can’t right itself until the over-functioning people start saying no.

Looking around, I think we’re just about at that point. Women are just too tired, and few men will willingly take on the jobs women have been doing in the background for years. If churches want to support the women in their midst, then, they will start adapting to the new reality.

Gregoire frames this as being asked to do too much, but the reality is it isn’t the amount of work which offends her but the kinds of work she and other women are being asked to do.  Her feminist obsession with getting men to make sandwiches and casseroles and take an equal interest in decorating the church for Easter and Christmas is transparent.  The entire column is riddled with feminist clichés;  the harried super mom who manages to do it all, the lazy husband, guilt, the “new reality” etc.  Like her secular counterparts Jessica Valenti and Margaret Sanger, Gregoire is resentful of being a woman and deeply envious of men.

Gregoire’s burning resentment of cooking and cleaning and all things womanly didn’t end when she traded in her graduate work in women’s studies for the title of Christian wife and mother.  To confirm this, you need look no farther than the title of her blog:

To Love, Honor, and Vacuum  …when you feel more like a maid than a wife and mother.

In her book by the same name Gregoire explains that biblical headship and submission means wives need to give their husbands lists of housework to do:

My husband is motivated by lists. If I just tell him I would like him to help clean up after dinner, he doesn’t know what to do. But if there is a list of daily and weekly chores on the fridge, and he can see what is left to be done, he’s like a Tasmanian devil whirling around the house, cleaning.

But no amount of twirling, decorating, or sandwich making by her husband or the men of the church will make Gregoire’s torment go away.  So long as she resents being a woman she will be consumed with envy of men.

*You can see the original print version of the column here.

Posted in Envy, Sheila Gregoire, Ugly Feminists | 108 Comments

Culinary frigidity.

Suzanne Cope describes her long battle to overcome crippling dysfunction.  As often happens, she learned her hangups at an early age from her mother and grandmother.  They taught her that giving pleasure to someone, giving of herself, is degrading and shameful;  good girls don’t do those sorts of things, even for their husband or boyfriend.  But her experience proves that there is always hope.  If you know of a woman suffering from culinary frigidity, please assist her in recognizing her dysfunction and seeking out the help she desperately needs.

Posted in Frigidity, Miserliness, Satire, Ugly Feminists | 131 Comments

What a setup looks like.

Pancakeloach describes how she met her husband in a comment at Courtship Pledge:

I needed a ride to the [church singles] retreat, an acquaintance of mine had an older brother who was going – we chatted a lot in the car on the drive to the retreat and discovered we had a lot of interests in common. I think Dalrock’s right when it comes to structuring interactions so that they’re low-stakes. If we hadn’t had anything in common, it wouldn’t have been the end of the world – he was just doing a favor for his sister, and I was only carpooling with a friend’s brother.

At the retreat itself, I wasn’t approached by any of the men – but then, I had super-short hair and no fashion sense, so I was no doubt the least attractive woman there. But the silver lining of lacking the “traditional femininity” training was that I was perfectly willing to initiate conversation with men on my own. It turned out that the one I’d carpooled with was far more suitable than any of the others, so when he invited me to visit the theater with himself and his sister I made sure to say yes and dress in my Sunday-best long dress. ;)

  1. This probably wasn’t a setup by the the mothers or other married women at the church, but this is exactly the kind of set up a clever mother would arrange.  The best setups have either minimal or no fingerprints visible by the married woman doing the setup.
  2. Note that she describes casting a very wide net in this comment, yet only describes one man asking her on a date.  Unless they are using internet dating, dates very often aren’t how young people get to know one another and build initial attraction.  Very often the woman has already done her market research and attraction is building with a particular man before she is asked out on the date that matters.
  3. Being young helps a great deal.  There is a common complaint by older husband seekers that they need more time to fall in love with a potential husband than the man is willing to invest before nexting her.  Young people don’t suffer from this problem.  Falling in love is quite easy when young, which is why our concern with young people is trying to stop them from falling in love when we fear the match is wrong.
Posted in Beautiful truth, Finding a Spouse | 142 Comments