In Manhood Restored, Pastor Matt Chandler explains that toxic masculinity comes from male shame:
…men are prone to shame. If anyone knew how often men, without question, think they’re not good enough, think they’re failures, think they’ll never measure up, think they cannot win, it would blow their mind. This is one of the great ways the Enemy destroys biblical masculinity, because all we see is our failures, and most of us have in the back of our minds our dad telling us we’re never going to measure up.
What happens when you experience shame? Men always respond to shame either with withdrawal or aggression. Let a man feel shame, he’s going to withdraw and pout or get angry and lash out. And who gets lashed out on the most? Usually wives and children. So do you want to act like a man?
Don’t be silly. Stand firm in the faith.
Later in the sermon Chandler suggests that the modern Christian Father’s Day tradition of disrespecting fathers is one of the causes of Christian toxic masculinity:
Have you ever noticed that on Mother’s Day…? Mother’s Day sermons are always like, “Moms, you guys are so great. Where would we be without you guys? The whole world would fall apart if moms weren’t being moms.” Dads always get a different message. They’re like, “What’s wrong with you? Why are you the way you are? We don’t have any flowers for you today. Good God! Act like a man.” We always get this kind of drive-by shaming.
Yet at the same time Chandler seems to justify the practice. In the sentences that immediately follow, he appears to be saying that denigrating fathers on the day set aside to honor them is part of God’s good plan:
Sometimes in the Bible… Like, moms, have you ever exasperated your children to anger? Any mom go, “No, no, no. I have exasperated…” Why didn’t the Bible tell you guys not to exasperate your kids? It’s on us. It’s “Fathers, don’t do this.” He creates distinction, and it’s not something that is unequal or unjust; it’s God’s good design.
My guess is that while these two messages are contradictory, both are intended. This would fit with his closing prayer (emphasis mine):
I pray that even as we sing and consider and think that you would bring to our minds places where we have sinned against wife or daughter or children or others and there might be a holy compulsion in us, for the first time, to play the man through confession and repentance.
I thank you that there is nothing behind us that has more power than the cross of Christ and no current struggle you cannot cover, heal, break, put back together, and make whole. I pray for my brothers in here…I wish not to shame them in any way…who internally are broken little boys. I ask for your healing power in their hearts for their joy, for the good of their wives and children, for the good of this church. Help us. We need you. Thank you that you have empowered us to step in and walk in what you have commanded us to walk in. It’s for your beautiful name we pray all these things, amen.