Well done

Commenter Laura returned to describe how her changed attitude transformed her family dynamic and resolved the problems she was having with her mother-in-law (see here for previous post):

just an update and maybe this might help some others. Since I have last wrote things have been absolutely wonderful in our marriage!

I knew having his mother back in our lives would be horrible and unbearable but I also knew being the barrier between my husband and his mother trying to come back into our lives would also end in the same result. I decided to start sending her pictures trying to show her I was accepting her arrival back into our lives. She never responded not even one time but when my husband used my phone he seen the messages called her to ask why she never responded and she told him she had nothing to say or she would have.this continued with me offering to drive an hour away so she could see the baby and some other nice gestures but the more i accept the situation the more it ticks her off and now she no longer wants to come over or put her two cents in on anything negative.

So its been nice! Haven’t heard from her and my husband told her on the phone in front of me to not say anything negative about his wife to him or don’t bother calling. (this would never have happened in the past)

So nice gestures and letting my husband lead the situation fully, with no side comments on my part has helped greatly. Although yes this is exactly what I tried in the past and it didn’t help at all but this time around I guess bc now he doesn’t take small gestures like that for granted anymore.

Three quick observations:

  1. Laura starving her mother-in-law of drama by containing her own reactions caused her mother-in-law to lose interest in stirring up trouble.  Drama is like crack to a troublesome mother-in-law.  By withholding the drama, the incentive to stir up trouble was greatly reduced.
  2. Once her husband was no longer trying to manage being manipulated by women on both sides, he quite naturally became protective of his wife.
  3. Laura doesn’t say this outright, but her husband telling his mother to knock it off under his own authority caused his mother to settle down.  This isn’t always a given, but often mothers in this type of situation will demonstrate a sense of relief.

While Laura is obviously tempted to rationalize that letting her husband lead wasn’t what delivered the different results, clearly she was able to let him lead enough to get those different results.  Especially when something is counter intuitive, often we have to learn a particular lesson multiple times before we stop fighting reality and accept it.  I suspect this isn’t the end of Laura’s mother-in-law troubles, but even so she does have peace now, as well as a template she can go back to if she succumbs to temptation and starts trying to out manipulate her mother-in-law.

Well done Laura.

This entry was posted in Headship, Mother-in-law, Submission. Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to Well done

  1. Pingback: Well done | Neoreactive

  2. Pingback: Well done | Manosphere.com

  3. Laura says:

    As a reminder, I am NOT the Laura with the MIL problem. But I am very pleased to hear that things are working out for the other Laura.

  4. mmaier2112 says:

    Great to read. God bless the Laura in question and her family, even her bitchy MIL.

  5. Thanks for updating laura! It’s very encouraging to hear.

  6. Gunner Q says:

    Always good to hear a success story.

  7. Spike says:

    Encouraging. It shows that when men are allowed to be men, things happen for the better, just as they have for – oh, I don’t know – 5 000 to 10000 years!

  8. GeminiXcX says:

    Well done Laura

    Well done to her husband as well.

    -GXcX

  9. GeminiXcX says:

    As a reminder, I am NOT the Laura with the MIL problem.

    I figured as much; her avatar is purple, with a diamond pattern.😉

    -GXcX

  10. I find with my MIL to be that we just can’t get along. The part of my character she doesn’t like is that I dislike emotionally heated arguments and am blunt with my opinions. She seems to love drama and is confused when I don’t talk. So we will be being courteous and then she will bring something up, if she doesn’t like my response she will stir and when I withhold emotional feedback she gets even angrier. If I stay completely calm throughout she winds herself up until she flips and says she doesn’t want to see me ever again. Right now I prefer the distance, to be honest. Unsure what will happen when kids appear.

  11. Julian O'Dea says:

    superslaviswife

    MILs not getting on with DILs is more common than people seem to think.

    I like to joke that my wife and my mother got along for all of about 15 minutes.

    From a man’s perspective, it is a lot better than having them “gang up” on you.

  12. Trust says:

    Glad to hear. It makes sense that a controlling DIL would have problems because a MIL outranks her in the matriarchy.

    One other complicating factor though is that a man’s mother may be the only woman that won’t give the wife a “you go girl’ for mistreating him. Very much like feminists who are just fine with stripping due process from men until it is their son who is hurt by it.

    In any case, best to let the man deal with his own mother. She’s not only the higher matriarch, but she will likely view the DIL as harming her son and fight all the harder.

  13. Novaseeker says:

    From a man’s perspective, it is a lot better than having them “gang up” on you.

    Yes, as long as it doesn’t go defcon 5, you don’t want them on the same team. It’s bad for any man.

  14. peregrinejohn says:

    As the proverb says, “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.”

    Works like a charm, and often (as the example above shows) for reasons unexpected.

    In unrelated news, “Defcon 5” is “Lowest state of readiness.”

  15. Men were created to be in the headship position(under Christ as their head).

    Women were created to be in the submissive position under Christ AND a man.

    Relationships never work right until the proper divine order is established and operated in.

  16. Marissa says:

    What kind of advice do you suggest for the opposite situation, where the parents of the wife don’t like the husband, criticize him to the husband and wife’s faces, etc.? Is it best to just stay quiet or maybe avoid them as much as possible? I won the lottery with my in-laws, but my husband didn’t with his.

  17. Boxer says:

    Very much like feminists who are just fine with stripping due process from men until it is their son who is hurt by it.

    From all the stories I’ve read, it’s far more likely for a man’s mother to side with his abusive wife. I imagine this often happens as a lame attempt to curry favor with the one who holds the keys to the grandchildren in divorce.

    Bill Price used to talk about this over on Spearhead. Many men find their parents instant turncoats in divorce or separation.

    Boxer

  18. feeriker says:

    From all the stories I’ve read, it’s far more likely for a man’s mother to side with his abusive wife. I imagine this often happens as a lame attempt to curry favor with the one who holds the keys to the grandchildren in divorce.

    Quite true. There’s also the mother who, after (pretending that she has been?) supporting her son while his wife is in “rebellious harridan” mode, starts in with “I told you again and again to stay away from that disgusting pyscho bitch, but you didn’t listen.* You’ve made your bed hard, now you get to sleep in it.”

    More than a few such mothers have fanned the flames of destruction of their sons’ marriages, deliberately or subconsciously.

    (*Even when she never said any such thing, ever, and when her daughter-in-law showed not a single sign of being a conniving, rebellious bitch, or indeed was even behaving like the polar opposite of such.)

  19. Gunner Q says:

    Marissa @ 12:25 pm:
    “What kind of advice do you suggest for the opposite situation, where the parents of the wife don’t like the husband, criticize him to the husband and wife’s faces, etc.?”

    Easy, back up your husband. Ways to do this:

    1. Ask your parents to respect your husband. Point out that he is, in fact, their son.

    2. Brag about your husband in casual conversation. This is a good habit anyway.

    3. Let your man handle any persisting drama. You don’t need to fix the problem. Relax and follow his lead.

  20. BradA says:

    My mother never would have tried stuff like that because I wouldn’t have put up with it. She never did have a real connection to my wife and would only talk to me even though they had more social-type activities in common. I don’t have to worry about it at all now though, so it doesn’t matter much there.

    My wife gets along reasonably well with the one d-i-l we have contact with.

  21. Marissa says:

    Thanks, Gunner Q. Simple yet sounds effective.

  22. Julian O'Dea says:

    If you, as a man, have a good MIL, she can be worth her weight in rubies (or some such biblical sounding thing).

    Mine is certainly a gem. I am fairly sure she has actually corrected my wife on a few occasions, along the lines of, you need to support your husband by … etc. Young wives are never really mature in their role and that is what older women are for, to help them settle.

    As my wife likes to say, you “marry a family”. Very true.

  23. >MILs not getting on with DILs is more common than people seem to think.

    Womminz not getting along. Say i’ taint so Dalrock. LOLOLLZZZ.

  24. Dragonfly says:

    “What kind of advice do you suggest for the opposite situation, where the parents of the wife don’t like the husband, criticize him to the husband and wife’s faces, etc.? ”

    I had a cousin like that… she’s a hard core feminist, hated that we got married young, hated the idea that I married as a virgin (actually asked me on my wedding day if I truly had). And so she felt she was able to make snide remarks to him or around him when we were at family gatherings. He handled it well, but I told her very strongly something that put her in her place, something about her comment being rude and insensitive. And then stared her down. (lol)….

    We didn’t come back for a year to see that side of her family. And when we did come back, her tone had done a 180… suddenly she loved him, a few years ago even pulled out a pic of us that first year saying how we were babies and in so in love.

    Just put your foot down that NO ONE will disrespect him. They either respect your husband, your leader of your NEW family you’re creating, or they lose you.

  25. Pingback: Revisiting the question of a troublesome mother-in-law. | Dalrock

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