Beth writes The Frisky’s Ask a Married Guy wondering what is wrong with men? Why are they afraid to commit?
I am an attractive writer, divorced for almost four years. For as long as I can remember, I have never been at a loss for male attention. Since my separation, I have dated plenty of guys. But, the only guys I seem to attract who are not paralyzed by the idea of even commitment-lite are already married to someone else!
Two obvious explanations for Beth’s experience come immediately to mind:
- The SMV fortunes for men and women reverse as they age; the older a woman gets the harder it becomes for her to get commitment from an attractive man. Based on the information provided I would guess Beth is at least 40 years old, and most likely 45 or older.
- As a divorcée Beth’s track record regarding commitment is at best suspect. She doesn’t say if she is the one who ended the marriage, but statistically this is very likely. She doesn’t help her case when she writes of her “15 year marriage of convenience — for timing and ‘appropriateness’ more than affection, sex, or love.”
Married guy doesn’t touch on either unpopular reality, and instead suggests that she think of her search for a man as a sort of strip mining operation:
Genuine commitment is like a diamond, or a good vintage shirt at a thrift store. For sure, it’s there to be found. And there is enough on the planet for everyone. But this wonderful thing happens to be buried under a giant mountain of worthless shit you don’t want.
You are going on a lot of dates, and the guys usually drift away from contact. Good. They are doing you a favor. They are ruling themselves out of contention. They are another shovelful of dirt, or handful of crappy sweaters, cleared from your path toward the perfect man/shirt/diamond.
Going with the false assumption that the romantic fortunes of men and women rise and fall in tandem, he explains that the man she is looking for not only exists, but that this man is “GOING THROUGH THE EXACT SAME THING”.
Married guy also reassures her that her decision to focus on being the perfect boyfriend is the right way to find the perfect boyfriend. Beth writes:
For my entire dating life, I have shied away from appearing needy, bitter, or desperate because those three qualities make my skin crawl.
Married guy responds:
Good. Great, in fact. If this is true, you are miles ahead of the emotional game. Any trace of these qualities is the death-knell for attraction. Stay the course.