Bell has a difficult marriage and turned to Yahoo Answers for advice: I want out I can’t take him any longer?
We have been to counseling and he stopped going. He refuses to go back. He has an attitude most of the time. He complains and talks about me behind my back. He says things to me like what’s his is his and I don’t have anything he has the job. I take care of the kids, and later says he’s kidding. I’m not on the bank account. He only talks to his family and friends on the phone when I’m not around. He never wants to go out with me. When I make plans with friends they always get ruined. Because he can’t watch the kids. Twice this year already on my birthday and on Sunday. We never do anything I want to do. If I bring anything up, he blows me off. When I try talking to him his response is, whatever! His sister takes screen shots from my fb wall and text them to him, and they talk about me. He looks at girls in front of me, than claim he doesn’t know he’s doing it. He smiled and winked at our female realtor. Claims he didn’t know he did. Advice? I’m now beyond that breaking point.
Upon learning that this woman is on the verge of going back on her sacred vow and throwing her children’s lives into turmoil, the Answers community is nervous. However, their fear is not that she will put her kids through the divorce meat grinder, but that she will fail to do so.
Answerer Kay describes herself as a counselor and advocate at a domestic violence shelter, and offers insight which would make FotF proud:
His departure from counseling tells me that he isn’t invested in changing any of his behaviors. I hope you’re still going so you can start exploring options for taking care of yourself and the children. I’m talking about protecting your self-esteem and feelings. It doesn’t sound like he has regard for anyone else’s feelings.
In my field we call his treatment of you emotional and verbal abuse. The fact that your name isn’t on the bank account is a very bad sign of his need to be in total control. I’m quite sure that he knows what he’s doing when he stares at or winks at other women–I think we call that lying. Abusers often play the game of “you must be imagining things.” I’m very concerned about what goes on with his family.
I remember a co-worker asking a counseling client what she wanted to teach her children about love and mutual respect. I think it’s time for you to decide how healthy this marriage is for you and whether it’s time to move on. It’s not an easy decision, I know. Talk to your counselor, talk to an attorney, join a support for abused women to learn how others have handled things. Get everything in place before you make your move. Controllers tend to play hardball when their sense of control is threatened. Be very careful what you put on FB and who you tell what. Best wishes for a happier life.
l8tr g8tr is more brief:
Sounds like it’s time to end it.
RobertRay responds with practical advice:
You are beyond the breaking point and it’s obvious that it’s time for you to get out. I know it’s easier said than done but there is nothing left for you in this marriage. It is completely one sided and you have been taken advantage of for far too long.
Do you have a friend or relative that you can stay with while you sort this out? You really need to start looking for a job because you are going to need to be self supportive if you want to leave.
King Swahili explains that the problem is her lack of an effective threatpoint:
Well you see there Bell he thinks very little of you. You’re no where near his equal and he treats you as so. You’re job is to take care of his kids, that’s about it. You’re a breeding partner and that’s the only partnership you have in this relationship. He stopped counseling because he didn’t want to do it, and what say did you have in the matter? None. You can’t afford to leave because you have no income. As far as the winking and other stuff all guys do that, it’s only when the wife takes offense to it that it becomes and issue. Do you nag him alot? It sounds like you do. Maybe you can start nagging less and start trying to be his friend a little? Oh, and btw, what are you going to do when you “break”, because if you’re thinking of harming yourself or your children you need to find help now. Otherwise you are in a position where you have no leverage. Good luck.
Renee also advises ratcheting up the threatpoint:
It takes 2 to make your marriage work, sounds like you tried. Your husband is pretty much not seeing that your not happy. So now that your at this point, you need to follow through. Maybe separatation is best for now. Your husband will see that your serious, and he needs to make changes. You need a game plan, and then just go for it. Good luck
I haven’t included my own answer, but it was the only one (out of 6) which counseled against divorce.