One of the common topics of the manosphere/androsphere is women setting about finding husbands in all of the wrong ways. The most common mistake women are making today is wasting their youth and chastity pursuing everything but marriage, and then going on a desperate husband hunt in their late 20s to mid 30s. Certainly many women who have followed this approach report being happy with the results, but there is reason to believe that this approach will only become more difficult as more and more women attempt it. The problem women who try this method and fail experience is once they find out it isn’t the right path for them they are already locked in.
However, the counter argument to women marrying young is that women who do so risk marrying before they are developed enough in their sense of self to know what they want. The premise is that a woman might develop different priorities and goals than her husband during the course of the early years of the marriage and find herself incompatible with him after a few years (often coincidentally shortly after their last child is out of diapers). This is a serious concern, and those making this case have some compelling statistics to point to in the form of much higher divorce rates for women who marry young. In this post I’ll propose a model I think young women should follow for finding a husband to address this concern, and in part two I’ll address the statistics.
I propose that young women should take their husband hunt seriously from the beginning. This means not looking for boyfriends, dates, friends with benefits, etc. They should be looking for a husband from day 1, focusing exclusively on men who meet all three of the following criteria:
- Men who are (or are likely to be) interested in marrying her.
- Men she finds attractive enough that she is able to fall head over heels in love with him.
- Men she is ready to submit to as a wife and follow his leadership for the duration of her life.
Bullet number one should be obvious, but it is certainly worth stating. One difference I’ve noted between men and women is women often don’t stick to the set of available options when making their selection. A woman considering her options in marriage shouldn’t consider the recent interest (accepted or otherwise) from the exciting guy in the local band for some no strings attached sex, or even for a long term relationship. If he isn’t interested in marriage, she shouldn’t consider him when considering her options. The same goes for men who might be interested in marriage but don’t demonstrate an interest in marrying her. Of course, none of the above is always a valid option so long as the woman is honest with herself that this means she is willing to risk foregoing marriage altogether with the hope that her available options will ultimately improve.
Bullet number two is an interesting one. Many young women set out on a path to what Mentu describes as pursuing the serial monogamy hall of fame, falling in love with a series of (they hope) ever better men. Early in their search they would no doubt have this as their number one must have criteria. However, after some period of time even chaste women who find they haven’t located a husband are tempted to lower their standards in this area in order to not have to compromise in the areas of wealth and success. I’ve argued strongly that women should not do this, and continue to feel this way.
Bullet number three is where it gets interesting. While wives submitting to their husbands is a clear command in the New Testament, very few devout Christians even take this seriously in practice. It flies against the norms of our culture, and even those who are very traditional are likely to be alarmed by the statement.
In fact, bullet number three should frighten you. If it doesn’t, you likely aren’t understanding the gravity of the situation. I’m assuming it immediately raised questions in your mind like:
- What if he is abusive?
- What if he won’t take her needs and wants into sufficient consideration when making decisions?
- What if he is prone to make risky or irresponsible decisions?
- What if he isn’t faithful?
- What if he isn’t motivated to work to provide for his family?
- What are his religious and moral values?
- Is he a kind person?
- Is he mentally and emotionally stable?
- Is he capable of leading her in a way which she is comfortable following? (leadership style/game)
The proof that this is the right process is that these are all of the right questions. These are the questions women looking to marry should be asking but very often aren’t.
This also resolves the problem of the wife potentially moving in a different direction than her husband over time. If she is following his leadership, while change is nearly guaranteed they will be changing together. In picking him she is both making a guess at the kind of life she hopes to live and picking someone she trusts to work with her while navigating the process. In the true spirit of one and done marriage, she is hooking her wagon to him for the duration. For richer or poorer, in sickness and health, they will succeed or fail together. If she does this not only will she be much more likely to remain in love with and attracted to her husband, but she will also remain happier because she won’t be second guessing her choice.
Women who don’t follow the third criteria have an additional problem beyond the lack of attraction for their husband and the unhappiness which comes from second guessing past decisions; they very likely will end up wherever he leads them anyway, or at the very least they will experience the negative results of his leadership either way. Feminism can be described largely as a process whereby we remove women’s fear of bad outcomes. However, the reality is the consequences of a poor choice of mate are so great that they can’t truly be shielded from them. At the best they will largely shift the harm onto the man and their own children while making the man the patsy.
But this still leaves the question of how young a woman should marry. The answer is no younger than she is responsible enough to actually make this kind of decision, and only then once she has found the man who meets all three criteria. The reality is while the list of criteria is short, this is a very difficult puzzle to solve. Such a man isn’t going to be common, so she had better start looking immediately if she hopes to find him. The process could very well take years, perhaps quite a few. If she isn’t mature enough, she needs to focus on maturing as soon as possible so she can get in the race. However long the process will take, it can’t start until she is ready. If she finds Mr. Right while she is still childish it won’t do her any good. Starting early has the added benefits of preventing her from developing a sexual history along with a taste for alphas along the way. It also allows her to take maximum advantage of her youth, beauty, and fertility when competing with other women for the best potential husbands while avoiding the dwindling options which accompany being the last to choose.