More judging the performance.

While checking out search engine results for Single in the Suburbs, I came across an interesting blog by the same name. The first post I saw was (at the time) the last post of the blog, and advised readers that it was unlikely to be updated regularly in the future: 12/27/2010: The End of An Era?*

I started this blog in December of 2009, one year ago and I have yet to find any real connection…Hopefully 2011 will be better for me in the love dept.
I still have my POF account, but am not checking it often. Perhaps once a week or so, and if someone strikes my attention, I may meet and write about it, but dating will no longer (for now at least) be a priority in my life. Obviously over 100 dates in one year is not the way to go…

The subtitle of the blog is A journey through my dating adventures, one date at a time… This kind of blog is evidently very popular, where women recount their search for Mr. right. Seeing how it ended made me want to check out the beginning:

Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be married and settled down. I was a bride 4 Halloweens out of about 11 I celebrated as a child. Now, as an adult I am one of the only single people I know and have witnessed friends who at one point swore off men all together or didn’t believe in marriage, walk down the aisle with a smile. I no longer have single girlfriends to go on the prowl with and no longer enjoy the hunt. I want to find love.

Some of my readers are likely tempted at this point to guess the blogger’s age. But you can’t assume she is in her late 20s or early 30s just because she is on a husband hunt. The median age for marriage for women in the US is 26, which means half of all women who do marry have married by that age. While I’m at it, don’t assume that she isn’t interested in commitment or has created a long and unrealistic list of expectations. Nor should you assume she has viewed her experience with men as an opportunity to revel in attention or judge the performance of the men she dates. Now that you are properly chastised against jumping to conclusions, I’ll continue telling the story.

I was 13 years old and my group went to the high school football homecoming game.  I was dared to kiss my “school boyfriend” for 5 seconds under the bleachers. I remember it was 5 seconds because my friend Erica had a stop watch. As our lips locked, my girlfriends shouted at the top of their lunges, “TOUCHDOWN”. It was both humiliating and fantastic. From those 5 seconds, I was hooked on kissing!

Ok, so maybe she likes a little attention. Who doesn’t? It doesn’t mean all of the other assumptions you jumped to are true. She continues, now recounting her experience as an adult:

Yes, that’s right…I was married at one time. I was 21 years old…
While, it did last longer than most expected, we were divorced 3 years later. I will spare you the details…3 months of partying with my single girlfriends later, I was in another long term relationship. This one lasting 4 years…
So now, here I am at 28 and single for the first time in my adult life.

Ok, so maybe a few more turned out to be correct. Anyone ever tell you not to be such a smartass?

I have a long list of pre-requisites and I am super picky. My list gets longer and longer the more I date and I will not settle until I find the perfect guy for me.

I got nuthin’

*I decided not to hot link to the original blog, assuming this isn’t a discussion she would prefer to read as a source of traffic there.  You can paste this URL directly into your browser and see her blog there:  http://blog.kristinaking.com/2010/12/12272010-end-of-era.html

This entry was posted in Choice Addiction, Death of courtship, Finding a Spouse, Post Marital Spinsterhood, Remarriage Strike. Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to More judging the performance.

  1. Yeah, I’ve got nuthin’ too.

    She’s trained herself to break relationships, and she looks at average men like she’s settling for the consolation prize in life. While she herself is likely below average in her qualifications to be a wife. I wouldn’t wish this divorce time bomb on my worst male enemy.

    Men, you come across a gal like this, run, not walk, the other way.

  2. Days of Broken Arrows says:

    Wait!!! Stop the presses!! I found her blog and she’s apparently “back on the horse,” as the title of her March 2 post incidates.

    This time around, she traveled an hour to meet a guy and found he had no money for the date — not even for coffee. She was already peeved at meeting him, though, because he’s a foreigner and she’s used to “white boys” – ”Not that I have anything against other ethnicity’s (SIC).”

    During the date, the guy texted the whole time, so she begged off. I’ll give you all the rest verbatim: “I was soaking wet from the rain, my boot heel broke and I walked into the nearest lounge for a glass of wine. The bartender took pity on me and poured me 2 free glasses, so I stayed for dinner. It ended up being a fun date with myself!”

    If you find the blog, it link to her Facebook page and her personal Web site. She’s a nice looking blonde (I’ll give her that) but there is a serious personality disorder going on, since her entire blog seems to be documenting bad dates and trashing every man she ever meets.

  3. Anonymous Reader says:

    If you find the blog, it link to her Facebook page and her personal Web site. She’s a nice looking blonde (I’ll give her that) but there is a serious personality disorder going on, since her entire blog seems to be documenting bad dates and trashing every man she ever meets.

    This is an aspect of the modern world that simply astounds me. While gossip has always been part of humanity, and I recall being on the edge of some of these maelstroms, the idea of just trashing people on the net, where it will never go away, is astoundingly foolish.

    When I interact with college students, I remind them that setting their Facebook or other social media accounts to ‘private’ when they start a job search is often too late. Thanks to search engines, Wayback and other sites, their pages can often be seen from earlier years. Why does this matter?

    It is routine for employers to use Google on all applicants. And guess what, women? Even knuckle-dragging Neanderthal men can do the same. So whether it’s a future employer, or a future date, or a future mate, whatever you post up on any social media site is a little time capsule that those people in the future will all but certainly be able to open up and examine in detail.

    A woman or a man who pretty much pours bile on failed dates week after week on their public diary is just about guaranteeing that no one is going to want to have anything to do with them. It’s hanging a big, flashing, red/orange Danger sign around your neck that won’t go away.

    I’m simply astounded at the foolishness of this behavior.

  4. MW says:

    I found the blog as well. Strange girl. The few dates she like she won’t call back. Assuming there’s ~60% truth to her posts, why does she end up on so many bad dates? She’s a pretty girl, too; there should be no shortage of male attention. Seems like she self-selects bad dates, for blog fodder. Her hamster is spinning at mach 2. I’d go out with her for fun just to see what she’s like, maybe blog about her foibles, turn the tables, so to speak.

  5. Badger says:

    “The few dates she like she won’t call back.”

    Really? It’s not that hard, you just pick up the damn phone. It’s strange how many young women are so resistant to any kind of initiative and want to stick to antiquated forms of courtship. Classic learned helplessness with a heaping helping of risk-avoidant hamster – “Society will let me defer agency because I’m female, and then I can blame it on the guys.”

  6. Workshy Joe says:

    26 is the median average age for women to marry in the US?

    Wow. Its 34 in in the UK!

    http://www.theunambitiousmale.com/2011/03/i-am-now-at-median-average-age-for.html

  7. Anonymous Reader says:

    badger:
    “The few dates she like she won’t call back.”

    Really? It’s not that hard, you just pick up the damn phone. It’s strange how many young women are so resistant to any kind of initiative and want to stick to antiquated forms of courtship. Classic learned helplessness with a heaping helping of risk-avoidant hamster – “Society will let me defer agency because I’m female, and then I can blame it on the guys.”

    It’s learned behavior, but it is not IMO learned helplessness. Look, I’m sure that very few women need to call back when they are, oh, 25 or younger. They’ll be pursued. This woman blogger is pushing 30, and so the market has changed, but her behavior has not. She’s still using the strategy, if we can call it that, of a 22 year old. It’s a common human failing. I see it all over the place, from the stock market to sports to business. It’s pretty standard for humans to keep on doing what used to “work”, even when it isn’t “working” any more.

    Either she figures out that her “value” in the dating market place is lower than it was 6 years earlier and adjusts accordingly, or she will continue to be ever more frustrated and lonely. In other words, at the age of 28 she’s having to learn lessons men pick up at the age of, oh, 20…

    Poor baby. Hope the carousel was fun…

  8. Ulysses says:

    I couldn’t resist and found her as well. As Days of Broken Arrows wrote, she is a decent looking gal. I clicked over to her non-private FB page and checked her interests. One of the few listed is “Ed Hardy.”

    I’m guessing her ideal man is that paragon of traditional family values and fidelity who goes by “The Situation.”

  9. MW says:

    Badger: Agreed, I’ve seen it in casual friends of mine. They shrilly demand all the old fashioned courting actions from men but display no such behaviour themselves. And place all the blame for failure on the men. I think deep down many such snowflakes know what they should do, but it is such a dent to their pride that it’s easier to keep on failing and hooking up with bad boys, as Ulysses says.

    I overheard a recent exchange between two late 20’s party girls. They were still pretty hot (or maybe my standards are lower). One was telling the other about a recent date with her new NiceGuy and how sweet but mildly dorky he was. But then they fondly reminisced about previous bad boys. At the end, NG was found lacking that “spark” (tingle or whatever they called it) and said girl resolved to LJBF “that dork”. She’s going to hold out for someone “I really deserve (ie. the mythical ideal she feels herself entitled to)”. I’m sure she’ll get what she “deserves”.

  10. Eric says:

    Does anybody still seriously believe that American women are worth dating?

  11. Anonymous Reader says:

    Does anybody still seriously believe that American women are worth dating?

    Apparently “The Situation” does, for some definition of “dating”…make of that what you will.

  12. CSPB says:

    Dalrock,

    Shame on you! I jumped to conclusions, then you caused me to have doubts because of your NAWALT admonition. Of course my hopes, empathy and rationalization with her were dashed as you continued the story.

    There is truly nothing new under the sun!

    Oooo… Oooo….Oooo… fair maiden…. pick me…. pick me! (for cannon fodder)

    [D: You crack me up.]

  13. Anonymous says:

    Ah, a douchebag who’ll commit… she might as well look for a tall leprechuan. Hope she likes feeding multiple cats.

  14. “I have a long list of pre-requisites and I am super picky. My list gets longer and longer the more I date and I will not settle until I find the perfect guy for me.”

    Ah, the never settle meme strikes again!

    And just what does SHE offer a guy?

    Who says anyone deserves anything?

    Entitlement princesses are everywhere.

  15. Days of Broken Arrows says:

    “I have a long list of pre-requisites and I am super picky. My list gets longer and longer the more I date and I will not settle until I find the perfect guy for me.”

    Here is my suggestion: women should be encouraged to “grown their own men.” If you got a sperm donor for every 18-year-old woman with the qualities she loved, she could have his baby and by the time she was 36, she’d have an 18-year-old hottie dude to hook up with.

    Women not being able to find men is a form of injustice, so why is the government not funding such a program?

  16. randall g says:

    I read back a few months of posts. It’s kind of like eating popcorn. If she’s mostly telling the truth, she is definitely not a slut. Over a year and dozens of dates there is no hint of any sex, and not much physical attraction to her dates. Before that she was in only a few LTRs, and not riding the carousel. A lot of these dates were with pretty creepy and weird guys, and betas like me can learn a few things NOT to do. It’s pretty entertaining. I get the impression she’s pretty accomodating and fun to be with.

    Having said that, while her market value is decreasing, her standards are increasing. Not sure it will end well for her, but I kind of hope it does.

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  23. ronanjackson says:

    What do you do, though, when you find yourself to have a long list of requirements, that only gets longer the more guys you’re exposed to? But you know in your heart, that the difference would only have to be someone you actually like, someone you have a response to, an emotional response, and attraction to, and that just seems to be completely impossible to find? Is that the fault of being picky? Because certainly, in the past, you’ve had that response to others, but it’s been a few years since you felt that way. What then?

    Remaining open, and trying to date all sorts of different guys, but never finding an attraction, what’s happened there?

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  25. Martian Bachelor says:

    Our system of femi-communism turns all men into bums (according to women) and all women into whores (according to men). This is why everywhere you go, men are proclaiming they’re not bums and women are proclaiming they’re not whores.

    When women say their “problem” is that they are “picky”, what they’re really saying is that they aren’t easy.

    It’s a form of boasting and self-pedestalization, a way to say they’re better and more special than all those other women. It’s their madonna/whore-ism in practice. This is their primary consideration,

  26. valor says:

    i allow myself to feel a small sense of pity for women like that.they’re doomed to unhappiness and their being a woman with a female train of thought combined with the allowances feminism has given her, she’s in a freefall with a hard stone floor at the bottom. i’ll feel bad for people like this, but i won’t do anything about them. no more white knight savior complex, your life is a result of your choices and actions, and if your life is in the shitter because of things you do, you have no one to blame but yourself.

  27. Joe says:

    @randall g – My take on this is slightly different – I think she’s definitely been riding the carousel, but is just good at hiding it. You can read between the lines on some of the things she says (e.g. “I no longer have single girlfriends to go on the prowl with and no longer enjoy the hunt”; “3 months of partying with my single girlfriends later”. You’d be amazed how well some women can hide this aspect of their lives, and this is her blog, she is hardly going to write the truth on there if she’s trying to find her ‘prince charming’ now. I think you have a little bit of Blue Pill naivete still there.

    When a semi-feral young woman rides the carousel, I think it may create a false illusion to her that there are many attractive men interested in her, and that may be partly why they end up on a pedestal with inflated egos and long lists of ‘requirements’ – they think that it’s only a matter of finding a guy who is more or less similar in personality to the players, but interested in a LTR with her. It doesn’t work that way … they don’t seem to realize that those players are just using them and those types of guys generally aren’t looking to settle down with a 28+ (now 30-something) carousel-rider-looking-for-a-beta-bux.

    From her blog: “… never do I kiss on the first date (sorry guys!)” … uh riiight, I bet she’s done more than kiss on ‘first dates’ though. I can’t articulate why but I find comments like that very off-putting.

  28. Dave says:

    What do you do, though, when you find yourself to have a long list of requirements, that only gets longer the more guys you’re exposed to? But you know in your heart, that the difference would only have to be someone you actually like, someone you have a response to, an emotional response, and attraction to, and that just seems to be completely impossible to find? Is that the fault of being picky? Because certainly, in the past, you’ve had that response to others, but it’s been a few years since you felt that way. What then?

    Remaining open, and trying to date all sorts of different guys, but never finding an attraction, what’s happened there?

    It all goes back to the fundamentals of human nature. It is called “the law of progression”. Others call it “growth”; yet others give the phenomenon another name.
    Simply put, this is what happens: when a human being is exposed to a certain stimulus, their initial responses are generally higher at first than what they subsequently become, even if the same stimulus were continually applied. In a less geeky term, it means you require more and more of something to produce the same level of experience you are accustomed to.
    That is why drug addicts tend to require higher and higher doses of drugs; why a kid usually has lots of fun the first times they visit Disney world; but subsequent visits may not be as enjoyable, even though Disney remains the same; same reason why a senator might want to run for president–he wants something more than arguing on the Senate floor. And why a guy who regularly watches porn may not be able to “get it up” when faced with a real woman. Ralph Waldo Emerson got the idea (though incompletely) when he wrote “The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.”

    In your particular case, you have exposed yourself to too many men, and possibly too many d!cks have passed between your legs as well. That is why your attraction for men has waned. You will probably require a unicorn to elicit the same level of interest you used to have with ordinary folks you previously dated.

    The only solution I see here is to completely stop dating and having sex for a while–say a year or two–and make serious efforts to seek God for a rebirth. In other words, you need to get “born again” and turn your life to God for complete healing of your past.

  29. Joe says:

    @Dave Hm, insightful point, makes sense.

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