I’m not the first to note that feminism tends to make women unhappy. For example, many have pointed out that it makes women unhappy by suggesting they arrange their lives in ways less likely to make them happy. Stressing career over family, stressing the need to dominate their husbands, etc.
But feminism also has from its inception been about convincing women that they are terribly unhappy. This is a foundational step for any group wanting to introduce sweeping changes. People won’t accept let alone push for change if they are happy with the status quo. Feminism wants to keep pushing social change, so they can’t afford to let up on their message to women that unless they are a fool they should be terribly unhappy.
But this blog is about solutions. Women can be happy. The patriarchy has merely tricked you into choosing the wrong options. Therefore, all you have to do is make different choices. You know, the ones where the deck isn’t stacked against you. To achieve true happiness as a woman, all you have to do is avoid all of the following unhappy options the patriarchy wants to force you into:
- If a full time mother being supported by a husband: Your life lacks the meaning and fulfillment your husband enjoys by having a career. Raising kids is pointless drudgery imposed on women by the patriarchy.
- If a full time career woman: You are being deprived of the right to fulfill your all important maternal instinct. The patriarchy has forced you to abandon your dreams of fulfillment via motherhood, and trapped you in a pointless, thankless job.
- If you have a career and children: You are being forced to do double work by the patriarchy. You work the dreaded second shift. Both jobs are pointless, thankless, drudgery.
- If your husband agrees to be a stay at home dad while you focus on the role of breadwinner: Your husband is sponging off of you, while enjoying the great rewards of caring for your children. You are forced into thankless drudgery in a career.
- If unmarried: Men have failed you in some way. They either failed you by being unworthy of marriage in your eyes, or they refuse to do their duty and marry you (fear of commitment!). This is true even if you divorced one or more previous husbands.
- If married: You are trapped in by binding agreement, prevented from fulfilling your life’s desires.
Leadership role in the marriage:
- If the husband has it: He is a tyrant who dominates you and prevents you from being a full human being. No act of violence or deception on your part is beyond the pale of acceptable responses to such an unbearable situation.
- If the wife has it (AKA shared leadership): He is a loser. You feel like his mother.
Great send-up; that’s indeed exactly how feminists argue, out of all sides of their big mouths.
Hmm, just scanned, but re your last point, I can’t speak for J but I think it’s a bit odd that you took our comments and transposed them onto a ‘leadership role’ or ‘shared leadership’ (no option for the beta supplicant/harridan wife some seem to think majority of American marriages are?) and a man ‘being a loser’.
My comment was certainly not in that way. It was in line with the thinking that male/female interactions relationships tend to sometimes emulate one of the following:
Sometimes a relationship can have more than one of course. And the dynamics are not necessarily related to the respective ages of the people involved. I don’t know how you made this into calling a man a loser.
I’m getting the impression you like taking things and twisting them to support your already decided world view, like those feminists you hate.
I wasn’t looking to twist your words. If you feel it isn’t an accurate reading of your point I’ll be happy to pull the link. The loser attribution wasn’t intended to go with the link. These are two separate charges I hear from women.
It IS exactly how they argue, and it’s frustrating.
Women’s rights? I’m all for them. I’m GLAD we have the choices available to us now.
But those feminists who think, even today, that the only options are unhappy options the patriarchy wants to force you into??
I have news for those women. They’re the only one holding themselves back.
Thanks for posting about this; I’m going to bookmark your blog and keep coming back!
[D: Thanks! Welcome to the site. I look forward to your comments in the future.]
I think a lot of women just like moaning, whether they’re ‘feminist’ or not.
As J says, happiness is a choice.
Will check out your blog!
Ok, thank you for clarifying.
“I think a lot of women just like moaning, whether they’re ‘feminist’ or not.”
You have achieved true enlightenment.
You run into negative nancy’s in all walks of life. Men and women can both be like this. One of the first things that made me absolutely enamored with my husband was that he was positive, not negative.
Even now he would have us meditate whenever things get a bit stressy. Rather than focus on bad things he has us relax and hope for good things. It’s really quite inspiring. I’ve known so few people who do this. It’s not just about being happy-go-lucky either, but more nuanced, realistic but still optimistic.
I guess this is what we mean by “A la carte Feminists”… It’s funny to me when I’m confronted with these bizarre, negative viewpoints that seem to have so little practical value in our world. It really is just sour grapes and societal programming gone awry. It’s especially funny when I’m on a date with one.
Really? Strange, I never thought anything of it.
Oh this reminds me of how English people like talking about the weather, sometimes people from other countries think we’re actually talking about the weather. We’re just filling the space so we don’t have to have an actual conversation which could become ‘over familiar’.
It’s like Rationalization Hamster 101!
I can’t speak for J
Sure you can. That was well said. Thanks!
I’d appreciate it if you did pull the link. Thanks!
Thought experiment: Do persons who never think about themselves ever moan?
Good summary. Thanks.
Lily, it’s cool to be quoted! It’s really true though. As I get older, I find myself reframing a lot of bad luck in a more positive fashion. For example, when my dad died, I really worked on remembering the good and being grateful for it as opposed to being angry at the “unfairness” of his death. It was still sad of coursde, but I got through the grief a lot more easily than I would have thought was possible. Since I am not generally a sunshine-y person, I was amazed at how much was I thought was cliche really does help.
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It’s down to the myth of “having it all”. You can’t have it all. Not because you’re a woman, but because you’re a mortal.
You can have, within the range of the laws of nature, whatever you’re willing to work hard enough to get. But that hard work is going to involve some trade-offs. Men have known this about themselves and one another since time immemorial. Chances are your grandmother knew that it was true for women too. Your grandma was pretty smart. Too bad you refused to listen until it was probably too late to get what you really want (whatever that happens to be).
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God you are an asshole. Just bow down to men like ever but leave normal women alone with your bullshit.
So, Lilly, where are such women to be found? (Normal = not infected by feminism.)
Outside a few conservative religious groups, and some D/S fringes, mostly going overseas seems neccessary these days.
Ha. My mother identifies as a feminist. She generally works 60 hours a week at her job (it was 40 when we were younger) and then has devoted herself to family at home. I don’t think she regrets it at all, although she wishes it wasn’t so stressful. She said that she’d have gone nuts if she had to depend on someone else financially, and she absolutely adores children (she’s switched careers. Both revolve around children). Anyway, after seeing women trapped in emotionally abusive marriages because they had never learned how to support themselves, mom puts a lot of value on having the ability to leave. Particularly because having the ability to leave often makes the act of actually leaving unnecessary.
Also, first wave feminism helped open these options up, and that is something to be grateful for.
In my opinion feminism is just the worst thing that ever happened to women. It makes our lives tougher rather than easier.
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I have a demonstrated wife and this is how she argues exactly.
Reblogged this on ogala.
Pity @ogala that you have a warped view of feminism. Hopefully you can address your issues with your wife in private, rather than go public with your personal issues.
August 18, 2012 at 12:52 am
“My mother identifies as a feminist. She generally works 60 hours a week at her job (it was 40 when we were younger) and then has devoted herself to family at home.”
Wrong. The 60 hours a week she spends as a career-focused woman utterly disproves that she is “dedicated to family at home”. A person spends time on what’s important, and her family is not first in line for her, not even close.