No respect.

Vox Day has created a bit of a stir with his post Low morale men.  If you read the post, you will notice that there are two groups of men Vox doesn’t respect:

  1. Men who do not marry and have children.
  2. Men who marry and have children.

There is however a third category of men to whom Vox is holding out an implied promise of future respect.  These are men who aspire to marry and have children, but haven’t yet done so.  This is quite obviously a false promise, as once these men do as Vox instructs they will merely have moved from one category of men Vox doesn’t respect to another category of men he doesn’t respect.

This is of course a very common pattern in our age, as it is the same false promise of respect W. Bradford Wilcox, Jim Geraghty, Dennis Prager, and other men at National Review offer men if they marry.

The reality is that our current anti married father policies are merely the formal legal expression of our societal disrespect of married fathers.  The men of National Review, and now sadly Vox, are searching for a way to motivate men to marry without offering married fathers respect.  Though the details of their arguments differ, the form is the same;  married fathers deserve the contempt the system has for them.  If you disagree, your are either lazy or a coward. 

The fact that men are concerned about the disrespect of married fathers only shows that they don’t deserve respect.  Wilcox frames it this way in Hey Guys, Put a Ring on It:

There is no doubt that marriage requires sacrifices, and lots of them. Successful marriages require men to work harder, avoid cheating, spend less time with friends, and make a good-faith effort, day in and day out, to be emotionally present with their spouses. Many men find these sacrifices hard.

Vox makes a similar argument, but instead of saying that married fathers don’t deserve respect because they don’t work hard enough and aren’t emotionally available, he tells us we shouldn’t respect the modern married father due to his lack of commitment to murder-suicide (emphasis mine):

The truth is that men often suffer the legal order they deserve, because they tolerate it. Would any Roman patrician have meekly submitted to being made an indentured servant at the whim of his wife and the word of a judge?

No. He would have killed the judge, the wife, and everyone who assisted either of them, then calmly gone home and opened his veins in the bath. That’s why Roman law permitted patriarchs to kill those under their authority who crossed them in any way – because they were going to do it anyway and the maintenance of legal order in their society relied upon acknowledging that reality.

But the modern man values his toys more than his honor. That’s why no one, including the legal system, respects his possession of either.

Feminism is a disease of envy.  It spreads via women due to the temptation to envy the position of men.  For men, it spreads via the temptation to declare oneself the only real man, as other men aren’t worthy of respect.

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Posted in Disrespecting Respectability, Envy, Fatherhood, Manliness, Miserliness, National Review, The only real man in the room, Traditional Conservatives, Vox Day, W. Bradford Wilcox, Weak men screwing feminism up | 176 Comments

Weak men are screwing her feminism up.

As I mentioned before, Wendy Griffith tells us she met “Michael” after doing an interview with a Christian dating site, where she chastised Christian men for not manning up and asking Christian women out.  Michael saw the interview and sent her an email through the site.

Michael clearly stood out from the rest of the “interesting” inquiries I had received in response to my no-nonsense interview in which I had urged men to man up and not be afraid to ask women out!

Based on the content and the timeline, this 2011 interview with ChristianCafe.com appears to be the interview that spurred Michael to ask her out.

The interviewer asked Griffith if part of the problem is that Christian men aren’t asking Christian women out.  She replied:

Oh, absolutely. I was talking to a young guy at the gym the other day, and he said that he never asks women out. He was a nice guy and I asked him why. He said, “Oh, I got hurt once.” You know, be a man! That’s part of life to take risks! I’m not going to ask a guy out. I don’t think it’s my place. I was taught that men like a challenge and they are the hunters and all that. I was shocked that this guy was just going to let all the women ask him out, because it was less risky. Something is wrong with that picture and I certainly don’t think that was the way God intended it. I think that men need to step up and take a chance!

Michael watched the interview and surely thought to himself Why not take a chance?  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  In retrospect, plenty!  Aside from what Griffith tells us was a sizable financial and time investment, he also was trashed by Griffith across Christian media (their common profession).  She even wrote a book about what a terrible suitor he was!  Granted, she didn’t give his full name, but she tells us he also has a successful career in Christian media.  Surely many in his personal and professional circle know that he is the bad man who broke Griffith’s heart, prompting her to write a book warning all Christian women away from men like him!

If men have an obligation to man up and ask women out, women have an obligation to not drag the man through the mud if things don’t go as hoped.  But Griffith’s one sided view of tradition comes out in other ways as well.  While men must act traditionally by risking nuclear rejection and spending lavishly, women have no obligation to avoid the temptation to draw out the courtship process for decades.  One of Griffith’s recurring complaints in the interview is that churches aren’t doing enough to cater to women like her who have drawn out their husband search into their 40s*:

I’ve never been married and I’m in my 40’s. There are a lot of families present, but it seems like the men come only after they’re married. The few guys that are there usually aren’t the “manly” men that I know I’m looking for. I think there is a lack of “real” men in the church.

[Churches] have singles outreaches for the 20-something crowd and early 30’s, but they don’t have anything for those over 40. But, even if they did, the men just aren’t there! But, thank God that there are some ways to connect online. The men are out there, as the statistics show. But, finding them, that’s the issue.

In the same interview Griffith complains that Christian men need to man up and get with the times since women like her refuse to be confined to traditional roles:

Interviewer:  Some men are intimidated by successful women such as yourself.

Griffith:  Well, they need to get over it, because we’re here and we’re waiting! “Man-up” and come and find us. There are a lot of gorgeous single women in the church, so get the men in here!

*At the time of the interview just under seven years ago. Now she appears to be in her early 50s.

Posted in Aging Feminists, Ugly Feminists, Weak men screwing feminism up, Wendy Griffith | 248 Comments

She made a mistake once.

She thought she was wrong, but it turned out she wasn’t.

This is the lesson Wendy Griffith learned in the process of becoming a 53 year old never married career woman.  After five months of dating, Griffith started pushing “Michael” for a marriage proposal.  When Michael told her she was attractive but not marriage material, Griffith pushed for answers:

How could this guy who drove several hours every weekend to see me, spent big bucks on hotels, dinners and flowers and kissed me passionately, not see me as “the one”?…

…Michael told me that he had doubts about our relationship because of the way I had treated him when I was on the road for work, reporting in New York and elsewhere around the country during the previous months. “I didn’t feel like I had a girlfriend when you were traveling,” he told me. “You were so cold and distant.”

I apologized. Perhaps he was right. I had been a bit heavily focused on work, but truth be told, that had been months before, when I still hadn’t been too sure about us.

But the lesson of the book is that if Michael were the man God had chosen for her, he would have wanted to marry Griffith no matter how she treated him.  Later on the same page Griffith confesses her sin, the sin of lacking faith in her own awesomeness (emphasis mine):

All I knew was that fear had seized every part of my being. As irrational as it may sound, I felt as if the circumstances were all my fault. The enemy of my soul had ruthlessly pushed the “rejection button”, and my life would never be the same.

Posted in Finding a Spouse, Turning a blind eye, Ugly Feminists, Weak men screwing feminism up, Wendy Griffith | 89 Comments

The heartache of entitlement.

Novaseeker notes that Wendy Griffith is well above average in attractiveness for women her age, and speculates that she really isn’t serious about finding a husband:

Griffith is well, well above average looking for her age. She’s in the top 5-10% of women in their mid 50s, easily. That in and of itself makes her advice almost completely useless for the average woman of 53, never mind the average woman of 43 or even 35…

Which leads me to my final point. I doubt that she is genuinely serious about getting married. Self-deception is a powerful thing, but almost all women at 53 know the score when it comes to the marketplace they’re in, and they either deal with it realistically or, in many cases, just abstain because they don’t like the market. I am guessing that Griffith is doing the “soft” version of the latter — not really very serious about finding a husband (I mean how can she be with the approach she is taking at 53), but selling average women the fantasy that they, too, can find a superlative, fantastic man themselves if they are never married at 53. She can’t be serious, really — it’s just unfortunate that so many *other* women are so gullible…

I think there must be some truth to this.  However, it is important to remember that from Griffith’s point of view the men she is rejecting don’t matter.  What matters to Griffith are the men who are rejecting her.

There is an old Game maxim that says whenever you meet an incredibly hot woman, remember that somewhere there is a man who is tired of her crap. The intent of the maxim is to prevent pedestalization, but I think it also should help us put ourselves in Griffith’s shoes.  Sure she is attractive.  But the men she finds attractive are rejecting her, and this is crushing.  This is what her book is all about.  Griffith cleverly titled her book with the harlot’s refrain:

Never Settle!

But what she is really saying is:

Never settle for the men who are rejecting you!

Yes, this is flat out nuts.  But it really is the message of the book.  From the description page at CBN:

Wendy Griffith had often preached to other women about being a prize to be won, but did not practice it. She didn’t realize her true value in Christ, and became the “beggar” in a year-long romance, begging for a few scraps of love. When her romance ended, she was devastated. Through her tears, God showed her that she had settled for emotional “crumbs.” She learned that God had so much more for her, (Eph. 3:20) and that she was a pearl of great price.

Now she shares her past heartache and experiences, defining what real love is and showing how you can guard your heart by recognizing the counterfeit. God’s love for you is extravagant and you shouldn’t settle for emotional crumbs. You are a prize to be won.

The book centers around a man she calls Michael, the one that got away.  Michael was one among many men who responded to a segment Griffith did complaining that Christian men aren’t asking single women like her out:

Michael clearly stood out from the rest of the “interesting” inquiries I had received in response to my no-nonsense interview in which I had urged men to man up and not be afraid to ask women out!

Michael lived in another city, but immediately began courting her extravagantly.  He would fly in drive for several hours every weekend and stay at a hotel to wine and dine her.  Griffith loved the attention, but wasn’t that into him.  As a result, she explains that she treated him coldly during the opening months of their courtship, especially when she was working and on the road.  However, at some point Griffith decided that Michael had “unlocked her heart”, something a man hadn’t accomplished for decades (since her college boyfriend).  But at this point the damage was already done;  Michael was in love with her, but didn’t think it would be wise to marry her.  Griffith was heartbroken when Michael explained this, and set out to change his mind by no longer being cold and bitchy.  But after a few months of not being cold and bitchy Michael still wasn’t convinced.  Griffith’s take away from this experience was that if Michael was really the one, he would not have grown hesitant to marry her just because she treated him badly while he pulled out all of the stops to win her over.  Her mistake was not the months she spent treating this one in a thousand man badly;  her mistake was the months she spent trying to make it up to him.  This is the thesis of her book.  Griffith had forgotten that she was the prize to be won, that she was the pearl of great price.  The book is a vow never to make that mistake again, and to warn younger women not to fall into the same trap.

The story of her being worth dinner and desert also stems from a rejection of sorts, by a man she clearly felt was beneath her:

A few years ago, I was asked out by a college professor whom I assumed had a good-paying job, although the jalopy he drove and his sloppy appearance said otherwise. But it had been an embarrassingly long time since my last date, and I was determined to give this guy a chance. On our first date, he took me to a classy steakhouse, where we both enjoyed top-of-the-line steaks surrounded by an elegant atmosphere.

On our second date, we had pizza, and on our third date, we were at a cute little fish shack by the beach when this guy suddenly brought up the bill. “I think we should split the check,”…

…This man told me that I was extravagant and not a good steward of other people’s money, namely his. He actually made me cry (not in front of him, but later)! I was so upset at being called extravagant simply because I had expected him to treat me like a lady…

The very title of the book comes from the time she asked a man she was attracted to out to dinner, and he politely declined:

I had been in Florida covering Terri Schiavo’s rigth-to-life case, one of the biggest stories of 2005… I asked a guy out who was closely involved with the story and with whom I’d been working all day if he’d like to go out to dinner. He was my age, handsome and a single Christian like I was, and after a whirl-wind day of interviews and a few laughs, I rationalized that it would be fine to ask him to have dinner with me instead of dining alone. His response was not what I had been expecting: “I have to go to the gym.”

I felt sick! It was as if someone had punched me in the stomach… Discouraged and a little mad at myself, I drove back to the hotel alone, when suddenly I heard the unmistakable voice of the Lord in my spirit. He whispered so clearly to me, Wendy, you are a prize to be won!

I knew the Lord’s voice, and I knew that He was speaking to me about my value. I didn’t need to be the one pursuing in a relationship or running around like a chicken with my head cut off, looking for love in all the wrong places. God has my man, and that man is going to recognize me as his prize! And the same goes for you.

Unfortunately, I have had to learn this lesson the hard way.

Pearl of Great Price

Ladies, the Lord wants you to know that you are a pearl of great price, a treasure worth pursuing and protecting. You are worth fighting for…

 

Posted in Finding a Spouse, Game, Nevermarried, Rationalization Hamster, Ugly Feminists, Weak men screwing feminism up, Wendy Griffith, You can't make this stuff up | 171 Comments

Devouring a lifetime of courtship.

I’ve written in the past about women’s complaints that men aren’t meeting their expectations for courtship, and why it is entirely rational for men to either withdraw from traditional courtship altogether or limit and carefully target their courtship expenditure.  Women have (as a group) greatly expanded the period of time they expect men to court them.

medianagemarriage1980to2017

He gets the desert.  She gets dessert.

The poster child for women drawing their husband search out has to be the 700 Club’s Wendy Griffith.  Griffith urges Christian women to slow down in their husband search in order to hold out for the perfect man God has in store for them.  53 year old Griffith* dedicated her book on the topic:

To my future husband: I know you will be worth the wait!

But what about her imagined future husband?  Will it be worth the wait for him?  If she’s 53 and still hasn’t found him yet, he’ll probably be in his 50s or early 60s by the time they marry.  Will 30-40 years of courtship all be worth it to marry a woman who is too old to have children, a woman who spent her youth building her career while forming and dissolving romantic attachments with a parade of other men?  Was it really God’s plan for him to spend 40 years wandering in a sexual desert, buying an endless string of unserious and ever more demanding women dinner (and more), to ultimately marry a woman in her 50s?

As a sign of our age, not one of the 98 reviews currently on Amazon.com points out how ridiculous it is for a never married woman in her fifties to offer herself as a husband hunting role model.  Griffith doesn’t say she did everything right, but her takeaway from a lifetime of not finding a husband was that she needs to slow down and be more demanding.  Chapter 11 is titled:

You Are Worth the Price of Dinner and Dessert!

Griffith is so proud of this chapter that she published it as an article at CBN and elsewhere.  Read the whole thing to see the full absurdity.  She closes the chapter with:

God wants you to know that you are worth the price of dinner and dessert—and so much more! You are worth someone being “extravagant,” even lavish, over. After all, you are a daughter of the Most High King, a royal treasure, a beautiful masterpiece, a pearl of great price. You are a lady, and a true gentleman will recognize your value and act accordingly. Don’t settle and don’t forget to order dessert.

Related:

*See the second footnote at the bottom of this post for the calculations behind my estimate of Griffith’s current age.  Since Griffith’s book was published in 2014 she would have been younger at first publication, but still in her 50s.

Posted in Chivalry, Data, Death of courtship, Finding a Spouse, Nevermarried, Ugly Feminists, Wendy Griffith | 222 Comments