Why won’t he hurry up and die already?

New commenter Tab Spangler linked to a blog post by Glenn Greenwald on a woman who fears being outed for her infidelity because of the Ashley Madison hack.

I am female, hold a job with a lot of responsibility, have three kids, one with special needs, and a husband with whom I have not been intimate for several years due to his cancer treatments.

I also used to write about marriage law policy, encouraging traditional marriage for the good of children. My institution has a morality clause in all contracts.

Mine is a loveless, sexless, parenting marriage. I will care for my husband if his cancer spreads, we manage good will for the sake of the children, but we cannot talk about my emotional or sexual needs without him fixating on his death and crying.

Greenwald chose this woman’s example in order to argue for sympathy for the people who are being exposed by the hackers:

As I argued last week, even for the most simplistic, worst-case-scenario, cartoon-villain depictions of the Ashley Madison user — a spouse who selfishly seeks hedonistic pleasure with indifference toward his or her own marital vows and by deceiving the spouse — that’s nobody’s business other than those who are parties to that marriage or, perhaps, their family members and close friends. But as the fallout begins from this leak, as people’s careers and reputations begin to be ruined, as unconfirmed reports emerge that some users have committed suicide, it’s worth remembering that the reality is often far more complex than the smug moralizers suggest.

Certainly anyone with a dying spouse is in an incredibly difficult situation, and by focusing on a woman Greenwald made a sympathetic reaction much more likely by his readers.  However, the woman’s profound lack of repentance for her infidelity and empathy for her dying husband are astounding.  Her only repentance is for previously holding marriage vows as sacred:

My experiences have led me to soften my views of marriage as my own marriage is a deeply humbling, painful longterm commitment.

I expect to be ridiculed by colleagues, to lose my job, and to be publicly shamed, especially as a hypocrite…

When my outing happens, I suppose I might as well take a stand for those who are trapped in bad marriages. Many of us are doing the best we can, trying in our own imperfect way to cope with alienation, lovelessness, and physical deprivation.

She and Greenwald are on the same page here;  the only sin is calling out sin (unless you are calling out the sin of calling out sin, which is of course righteous).

She is also very open about seeing her husband as a villain for not offering her a free pass to whore around while he is sick (and she suggests dying).  For what else could she mean when she complains that she can’t “talk about my emotional or sexual needs without him fixating on his death and crying”?  If he is unable to perform sexually, no amount of discussion will change that.  What she clearly wants is his blessing to do what she did, but he is too selfish to give her this.

Greenwald frames his post as fighting for kindness for the cheating wife, but what he has done to her is anything but kindness.  This woman is so self centered she can’t see her own wickedness;  Greenwald fails her* by taking the easy path of coddling her and encouraging her to see herself as the victim.  Greenwald gets to feel good for protecting a woman, even though he is in reality only harming her.  Nothing Greenwald writes will change whether this woman is ultimately outed and loses her job (she has a morals clause in her contract), but he has encouraged her to see her wickedness as not wicked at all.  Even worse, she claims she is making a martyr of herself (by remaining married and cheating) “for the children”, but by encouraging her view of herself as the victim it is very likely the children will have the burden of not just a dying father, but of a moral message that their father was cruel for not giving their mother license to cheat while he was dying.

*Greenwald is writing from a secular perspective, but fails her in the same way Christian men are failing Christian women.

Posted in Ashley Madison, Marriage, Motherhood, New Morality, Solipsism, Turning a blind eye | 318 Comments

Funny because it is true.

On the topic of the denied impact of judgment on women, The Onion presents:  Single Woman With 3 Young Children Unaware She Subject Of 984 Judgments Today

…single mother Karen Nichols, 29, was reportedly completely unaware that she was the focus of 984 separate judgments by strangers this afternoon.

…she was the subject of nearly a thousand negative assumptions about her financial situation, relative parenting capabilities, and general promiscuity.

While the bulk of the humor in the piece is in the exaggeration of the judgments people make about single mothers, the satirical premise is not that she is being judged as a single mother, but that she is unaware that this is happening.

Friday Bonus: Couple Brought Together Through Mutual Desperation

Related: The normalization of the trashy single mother.

Posted in Manosphere Humor, Satire, Stantons Heroes, Status of marriage, The Onion | 407 Comments

Insanity at the races.

You are sooo mean! You must hate women! It wasn’t my fault!

You are sooo mean! You must hate women! It wasn’t her fault!

I have previously explained why it is much easier and more satisfying for a man to call out a man versus a woman.  Calling out men is the path of least resistance, and allows a man to position himself as heroic.  Calling out women feels wrong, and tends to be the prelude to a day at the races.

This can be true even when it comes to criticizing an unrepentant child killer like Susan Smith.  Nearly all women will be repulsed by the extreme ugliness of a mother who murdered her own children and two decades later is still trying to cover up and justify her crime.  But a handful will instead identify with the unrepentant child murderer and run the rationalization race on her behalf:

Susan Smith was a mentally ill 21 year old girl with a father who committed suicide, a stepfather who molested her, and a husband who cheated on her, abandoned with two small children. She broke. Women do that sometimes, we break, especially when all the men in our lives fail us, yes fail us Dalrock. Women do not just spontaneously combust.

Hamster pic from Love hamster.  Checkered flag from Ewan ar Born.  I combined the last two to create the hamster 500 pic.  You are free to use this new picture so long as you are in compliance with the original two image licenses.

Posted in Denial, Rationalization Hamster, Solipsism | 172 Comments

Susan Smith eats, wipes her mouth, and says, “I have done no wickedness.”

This made the rounds a few weeks ago, but I didn’t take the time to look at Susan Smith’s letter to the media until recently.  20 years after she strapped her helpless sons into their car seats and rolled them into a lake, Smith still sees herself as the victim.  She also explains that she only tried to cover up her crime out of an abundance of selflessness:

It has been hard to listen to lie after lie and not be able to defend myself. It’s frustrating to say the least. Mr. Cahill, I am not the monster society thinks I am. I am far from it. Something went very wrong that night. I was not myself. I was a good mother and I loved my boys. The thing that hurts me the most is that people think I hurt my children in order to be with a man. That is so far from the truth. There was no motive as it was not even a planned event. I was not in my right mind. The only reason I lied is because I didn’t know how to tell the people who loved Michael & Alex that they would never see them again. I didn’t want to hurt them. I knew the truth would come out, but I had planned to kill myself first and leave a note behind telling what had happened. I didn’t believe I could face my family when the truth was revealed.

It would be difficult to find a woman with a harder heart than Susan Smith.  She is absolutely shameless.  Yet note how consumed she is with the knowledge that people on the outside see her as a monster.  Never be fooled by the shrieks that your judgment doesn’t affect a rebellious woman.

Posted in Denial, Solipsism | 114 Comments

Hold her beer and watch this.

Laura Lifshitz is back, asking Do the Men Move on First Before the Women, After Divorce?

Every time I have told someone about the divorce, all I hear is, “He will move on before you. The men always do.” Or, “Oh the men need someone so he’ll marry again before you do.” Or, “Well you know…men get over these things quickly. The women stay alone.”

I felt rattled by these words because based on every stranger, coworker and friend, women suffer through loneliness and men find happiness instantaneously. It was the fiftieth time in my life that I wished for a penis.

The answer to her question is it depends on the age of the couple.  If the couple is young (say in their mid 20s), it is the ex-wife who almost certainly will find herself with a wealth of dating prospects.  It is only later in life, as the SMV fortunes of men and women change, that men find it easier than women.  It only seems like men always have it easier because most women now delay marriage so long that by the time they get around to step 5 in the having it all plan the SMV power positions have reversed.

However, I’m not sure it will cheer Lifshitz up knowing that it would have gone much better for her if she had divorced in her 20s instead of her late 30s.  At any rate, she has moved from writing about all of the pain her divorce has caused her young daughter to writing about her own pain now that her ex husband has a new girlfriend:

The words. When I knew, I felt as if someone had put a shotgun to my gut. That night I cried for most of the night. In fact, I am pretty sure I have just been random waterworks as if I were a pregnant lady ever since. If you aren’t sure if it’s me, see if the woman is crying. If yes, chances are it’s me.

Lifshitz rationalizes that men fare better in the post divorce dating market because women care more about the children, while men prioritize dating over obligations to family:

“Oh the women always have a tough time. It’s so hard. They focus on the kids. Men don’t want women with kids. Women don’t mind a man with kids.”

So basically, it sucks to be a woman and have a vagina, yet again.

But this is exactly the opposite of what is really happening.  We can see this by the relationship between the age of the wife and the risk of divorce.  When wives perceive their chances in the dating world and of remarriage are best, divorce rates are at their highest.  As the couple ages and the wife’s options outside the marriage dwindle, the risk of divorce steadily decreases.  Put another way, the lower mommy’s opportunity to bang other men, the less risk a child has of having their family blown up.

women_divorce_and_remarriag_same_scaleNote the lack of an increase in divorce later in life as the relative SMV prospects of the husband increase.  As the AARP survey found, even later in life when the man’s remarriage prospects are better, divorce continues to be driven by women.

Posted in Divorce, Grey Divorce, Hold my beer and watch this, Laura Lifshitz, Post Marital Spinsterhood | 120 Comments