There are a couple of unfair criticisms of game which I see fairly regularly. The first is the idea that what game teaches is painfully obvious. Deti took some heat on a previous post for pointing out that what game teaches goes against the programming men today are given:
…most men who came of age in the 1980s and 90s were not learning these things to be attractive to women. We were not taught any of these things.
I was taught there are absolutely no differences whatsoever between women and men wrt thought patterns, perceptions, the way they experience events, the way they process information, or their feelings. I was taught that any man who pursues women aggressively or goes after what he wants is a pig, a chauvinist, a possible rapist, and probably a criminal. I was taught that women find soft, caring, good-hearted, kind, and nice men attractive. I was taught never, never, NEVER to escalate sexually without express permission, and that doing otherwise would subject me to possible criminal prosecution.
I was taught that a woman’s thought processes are never to be challenged. I was taught that a woman’s feelings are paramount and that you must do everything possible to “make your woman happy”. I was taught that any man who challenges a woman is an aggressor, is probably physically violent, and is overbearing and domineering. I was taught that if my woman was unhappy it was because I was not being “nice” enough to her; I was not “doing enough” for her; and/or I was not being “sensitive enough to her needs/wants/feelings”.
In response he received a fairly standard rebuttal that of course everyone knew that women don’t like men who follow those rules. But I agree with Deti, beta men have been taught exactly the kind of nonsense he describes; because we are polite rule followers who want to please our wives and the other women in our lives, we very often follow the terrible advice nearly everyone would give us. Once you understand why the advice is so terrible it is painfully obvious why it is wrong. But for me, Deti, and I would guess a large number of other men this isn’t obvious until you learn game.
The other unfair indictment against game which I see fairly regularly is that it teaches men not to love women. Blogger Bonald from Throne and Altar made this basic point in his recent post Pile up on social conservatives (emphasis his):
When we realize that true eros desires an I-Thou union, we see that Game is actually hostile to eros because it teaches the man to regard his partner as an It to be manipulated rather than a Thou to be communicated with.
As I mentioned in one of my very first posts, I’ve been married to my wife for 16 years now and we have grown so close over the years that friends and relatives often tease that we are really one entity. Even so, there have been times where our marriage has been under strain. Even at its worst it has never been the kind of truly difficult marriage that I often read about though. The first difficult period came fairly early in our marriage. My wife was still in school and I had slipped into a more beta frame. The combination of my increased betaness and her being surrounded by other men created some strain on our marriage. She fitness tested me with some regularity, and while I generally passed them I didn’t always come through with flying colors. During this period my wife actually figured out part of what was going on. She would lay into me for something trivial, and after a period of trying to placate her I would eventually find something else to do which was away from her. My thought process wasn’t to try to game her, but I figured why hang around the apartment for the weekend to get bitched out when I could be hunting or fishing instead? On the weekends where she wasn’t testing me we were very close and I would stick around. Then at some point she would test again and I’d be out the door with a gun or a fishing rod. She actually figured out the pattern at some point and came to me about it. She said she would get into a mood where she felt absolutely compelled to piss me off. Every cell in her body was telling her she would feel better if only she provoked a fight. Then she would do it, and I’d be out the door. Once the fight was started but especially once I had left she felt miserable. So she made a conscious effort not to give in to the urge; we fought less and as a result spent much more time together.
After that things improved a great deal, and by normal standards we had a very good marriage. However, for the first seven of the last ten years she was telling me she didn’t feel loved. This was maddening to me because no matter what I tried it didn’t help. I knew enough game intuitively to not go overboard on flowers, cards, etc, but when I surprised her with those it still didn’t help. She is a natural leader so I also tried letting her make more of the decisions; any time an opportunity came up I would make it a point to defer to her preference to show her that I loved her. This only made the problem worse, although I didn’t make the connection at the time. This wasn’t an acute problem, but it was a chronic one and I absolutely hated it when she brought it up because nothing I could do would make her happier. She knew I loved her, but she didn’t feel it the way she wanted to. It of course was equally frustrating for her as well because she kept telling me something was wrong and I wasn’t making it better.
About two years ago I stumbled onto Roissy’s site. I knew some game informally from having watched my natural PUA roomate in college but I had not learned any of the theory. What I had put into practice when I met my wife I had mostly lost in an effort to make my wife feel more loved. Roissy was extremely painful to read. I kept finding myself wanting to unknow what he had just explained, but I couldn’t stop myself from reading more. My curiosity was more intense than my desire to hold onto the pretty lies. After about four months of reading Roissy and the comments I had a rudimentary sense of how game worked and started experimenting on my wife with it (she didn’t even know I was reading about it). I stopped sending her the frequent “I love you!” texts* which I had been doing in an effort to make her feel more loved. Instead I started shooting for upped attraction. I’ve never experienced the sexual denial that I’ve read about other husbands experiencing, but I figured a little more attraction wouldn’t hurt anything anyway. I started objectifying my wife more, and treating her more like a possession. I love you was out, C’mere woman! and Hey sexy wife! was in. Instead of loving gentle hugs, I’d forcefully grab her and pull her into me; I would mischievously cop a feel from time to time as well.
It wasn’t just my actions and words which changed however, my frame changed as well. Had I tried these same things from my old more beta frame, they might have backfired spectacularly. I struggle to define it, but my frame was more of a playful cocky/funny one. This was actually fairly natural for me, but I had made the mistake of listening to the conventional wisdom on how to please my wife. The results were as expected more attraction from my wife. As I mentioned this wasn’t ever a real problem before but I could tell a difference in her response to me. Then something very startling happened; she thanked me for finally making her feel more loved! I had given up on that goal for the time being, and yet along with more attraction I had also inadvertently filled that nagging void which she had been feeling for so many years.
This was a huge breakthrough for me, and as I’ve learned more about game I also am able to mix in more of the comfort/beta traits. I still tell my wife I love her, and I do surprise her with flowers from time to time, but I also gently tease her and make sure she knows she is my woman. We are both far happier now; game has truly done incredible things for our marriage.
*Yeah, I know. I hate to admit that I was that guy.