This post is the second part to two very different previous posts. A while back I wrote the post Calibrating Attraction by Controlling the Venue. That post met with general agreement, but left many readers understandably frustrated that while it was obviously good advice it also made it difficult to meet a large number of men. As the second part of that series, this post could also be titled Calibrating Attraction by Controlling Yourself.
I wrote another post prior to the Venue one titled Gun Control and Wimpy Betas. In that post I showed how we have over-civilized men, taking away too much of their wildness and making them too weak to be attractive. But there is a flip side to that as well. While we have been over-civilizing men we have also been un-civilizing women.
And by “we” I mean the feminists driving our culture.
Feminism despises any controls placed on women. It rails against any effort to teach women impulse control, manners, or general self control. All of this is seen as some evil plot by the patriarchy to keep women down and prevent them from exercising their power. But the reality is that someone will control you. If it isn’t yourself, it will be someone else. And that someone else seldom will have your best interests at heart unless you are a child and they are your parents. I’m assuming that if you are reading this you are no longer a child.
So what does self control have to do with calibrating attraction? Specifically, how can it help a woman adjust her tastes in men away from players and bad boys towards good guy (greater) betas?
I’ll start with impulse control. Men need to have a great deal of it in order to succeed in our organized society. Most guys won’t go very far punching out people who make them angry, being a wise ass at the wrong moment, or tossing their statistics book onto the bonfire while downing a beer bong when they should be studying for their final. The guys who are going to become tomorrow’s engineers, doctors, businessmen, etc need a strong dose of impulse control even in their late teens and early twenties.
Just like most employers you presumably also want a guy who is reliable, generally on time, won’t quit his job because he is bored or dislikes his boss, and won’t end up addicted and/or in prison. In addition I’m assuming you want a man who won’t cheat on you at every opportunity. All of these things require a good dose of impulse control.
The thing about impulse control though is that if you are around someone who has more of it than you do they tend to seem quite stuffy, and downright boring. They can also appear weak and timid. Someone who has less impulse control than you can be either extremely frustrating or exciting, depending on the context.
So if you are like so many current young women who have grown up seeing a lack of impulse control as making you empowered, interesting and exciting, you can see where this might create a problem. Nice guys who are in control of themselves are going to seem boring and timid to you, which is the ultimate tingle killer. If you are pretty guys will still be attracted to you, but you will be extremely frustrating to them as you flit around like an over stimulated puppy. Beta guys without options will likely overlook the frustrating part, but you won’t want them anyway. Alpha and greater beta guys will see you as good for a pump and dump, but not want to waste their energy on establishing anything longer term with you because you are a pain in the ass. Plus they know they can’t trust you due to your lack of impulse control.
The brutal irony of the low impulse control woman is she needs an alpha to tame her, but she isn’t worth the alpha’s trouble beyond a pump and dump. Luckily for them it also means a quick lay is all but guaranteed.
How can you know if you lack impulse control? If you have ever said any of the following, it is a dead giveaway that you lack impulse control:
- I’m looking for a man who can keep up with me.
- There was music playing, so of course I started dancing.
- I’m not looking for anything serious now. I just want to have fun.
- That’s what credit cards are for.
- Well behaved women seldom make history.
I’m sure the readers can come up with more great examples.
Manners is another area of self control which will help you both be more attractive to the alphas and greater betas and more likely to be attracted to good guys. Hope provided an excellent example in her recent comment on Gaming your wife:
We just recently quit a group in which another married couple were treating [her husband] with flagrant disrespect, silencing him and generally trying to make themselves out to be “on top.” The wife of that couple yells at and abuses others as well. It was a clear demonstration to me, “Don’t be like that.”
I know what you are thinking. Wait, he didn’t jump up like a monkey and bash the other man’s head in with a rock and then rape his woman? He just left the group? And she still wanted him after that display of weakness?
Strange, isn’t it? That is the power of manners. Hope has them, and they helped her see her husband’s measured response in the right context. His choice to simply leave the group was a choice of strength, not weakness. Fortunately for Hope she has the sense of manners to accurately perceive that.
Prior to feminism our society had rules to help keep both women and men in check. These rules were devised over generations and tuned to the areas each sex needed to restrain. Today however many women no longer feel required to keep decorum. Not only are they not held to previous standards of manners, but this has spilled over to include special leeway when it comes to breaking the law. Feminists have set out to ensure that there are no (or very few) taboos when it comes to women, and they have been wildly successful here. As Lady Raine said on the Fresh Meat on Campus post at Hooking Up Smart:
Take a breath, ladies. It’s been OUR world for awhile and we can live however we want to with no repercussions.
Betas are men who among other things tend to follow the rules. If you have ever been a polite rule follower in the company of a group of rude irresponsible people (from your perspective), you have a taste of how most betas must feel in the company of many modern women. The stereotype of betas all being timid and unwilling to take risks is unfair. Bill Gates wasn’t afraid to take risks, and many would argue that he hasn’t been afraid to break the rules. But I would wager he has generally controlled his own behavior in social settings. Guys like this look weak when in the company of men and women who don’t care about the rules.
The current environment is a rather unique one. The social order is good enough that women feel very safe, but on many levels society is in chaos. One fellow blogger who recognizes this is Grerp. Her blog The Lost Art of Self Preservation (for women) starts with the following:
If you were born female in the mid-1960′s or later, you were probably fed all sorts of erroneous information about how life works, what women deserve, what men want, and what the future will be like. Here’s some actually useful advice to help you survive in this increasingly chaotic post-Sexual Revolution world.
She is trying to protect women. So what does her site focus on? Manners and self control. Feminists hate her site even more than they hate mine. She breaks all of the rules by advising young women to:
- Control their weight.
- Not be a slut.
- Not be rude.
- Not overspend.
- Be discreet.
- Not have a child out of wedlock.
- Keep their wedding expectations under control.
- Avoid going into debt.
- Don’t cheat.
Repeat after me:
I don’t get to have any fun!
See also: Raising Feral Females.