She’s done it all wrong. Why hasn’t God delivered the husband she is praying for?

MarcusD pointed out a thread on CAF where a 34 year old divorcée and alpha widow is troubled that God hasn’t answered her prayers for a new husband she can fall head over heels in love with:

I never knew if I could “fall in love” with someone because I had never dated anyone prior to my ex husband, and I definitely wasn’t “in love” with him. After our divorce/annulment I did date one other guy (prior to my current boyfriend) who I was head over heels in love with. I would have moved to the moon with this guy. We had our issues, but I still would have been crazy excited to marry him. Granted, it didn’t work out, and he ended up completely breaking my heart… looking back I recognize that he is not who God wanted me to marry. HOWEVER, I find it interesting that I was given that relationship – despite the heartbreak, it gave me a glimpse of what it feels like to be crazy about someone, and it made me recognize that I am ABLE to experience that sort of feeling for a man.

SO. I would say if that relationship had never happened, I probably wouldn’t be as torn up about not being “in love” with my current boyfriend. But I have that as a comparison…and he also has a similar situation where he was head over heels crazy about his ex girlfriend, and so he has THAT as a comparison.

While her story is tightly packed with manosphere clichés, it is important to remember that she is a living, breathing, and hurting person.  Our (collective) rejection of biblical marriage has created a sea of human misery, which is as easy to witness on Catholic Answers Forum and as it is on Yahoo Answers.

What most caught my attention in the thread however is her moment of clarity:

And yes, I know that I have trust issues with God on this matter – but I think my issues are founded in the fact that I have already failed at marriage once, am getting old – close to the point where I can’t have children, have made lots of mistakes in the past, and have seen my much more devout friends who are even older than I am still not find their spouse either, despite fervent prayer.

Even if you look on the Catholic dating sites – when you narrow the search to guys in your reasonable age range who actually follow the Church’s teachings, there are VERY few. Then find the ones of that group who you are actually attracted to? Hardly any.

So yeah…I feel sometimes like a girl in a war-stricken country where all the eligible men have literally been called away to war and there truly aren’t any left to marry. Dramatic? perhaps…but in the times we live in, our men face a secular battle against satan, and to find one who is devoted to his faith is becoming harder and harder.

Yet even when she can see the grim reality of the MMP for 30 something divorcées, she can only see the sin of men.  In her mind, the reason it is so hard for a mid thirties woman to find a good husband and fall in love is something is wrong with men.

…in the times we live in, our men face a secular battle against satan

Posted in Catholic Answers Forum, Hold my beer and watch this, Remarriage Strike, Romantic Love, Solipsism, Weak men screwing feminism up | 102 Comments

Denying that marriage has moral meaning is the new virtue.

As I’ve previously explained, there is a very common misconception that our society no longer believes in sexual morality.  While this misconception is understandable, it overlooks the new sexual morality which has replaced the old one.  The new sexual morality inverts the natural order.  Now instead of lifetime marriage being the moral place to pursue sex and romantic love, romantic love is the moral place for sex and marriage.

You can see this new view with the huge social push to position couples who embrace divorce as demonstrating the height of virtue.  The Huffington Post published an article earlier this week gushing over a couple who took a “divorce selfie”.  Since marriage vows have no moral meaning, divorce doesn’t involve breaking any vows.  Divorce (they rationalize) should be about celebrating the fact that there once was romantic love, not about the destruction of a family or a failure to honor a solemn vow made in front of God and their closest family and friends.  The ex husband in the divorce selfie explains:

Here’s to the most friendly, respectful, and loving split imaginable. We smile not because it’s over, but because it happened…

…we also wanted to let people know that this didn’t have to be a negative experience. We are choosing to move forward with love. We’ve been separated a year, and throughout that time, we’ve both been committed to preserving our friendship.

To share that kind of bond with another is one of the most divine gifts given to us…

I feel blessed to have had the opportunity to love and be loved in return. I truly smile because I lived in that beautiful sunlight of love for a bit.

Back in March Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced their divorce as a “conscious uncoupling”.  The Daily Telegraph and countless other media sources were delighted with this new and more enlightened approach to divorce.  More recently Jewel and her husband announced that they were engaged in a “thoughtful and tender undoing of ourselves.”

Ty and I have always tried to live the most authentic life possible, and we wanted our separation as husband and wife to be nothing less loving than the way we came together. For some time we have been engaged in a private and difficult, but thoughtful and tender undoing of ourselves. Allowing ourselves the time and space to redefine what we are to each other with love rather than malice.

We have been so aware that it is easiest to use the inertia of anger to leverage two souls apart who have been bound together by so much living. By a child. But we did not want anger to burn the ties that bound us. Instead we have chosen the much more difficult task of undoing ourselves stich by stich, and releasing each other with love so that we may take on our new form: dear friends and devoted co-parents of our beloved son Kase. We have no desire to damage ourselves and each other in the process. Who better than each other to bear witness to the heart ache of redefining our family? And who better as ally, while we learn to redraw ourselves in whatever new shape we find as separate people who are still striving to be the best versions of ourselves- as humans and as parents.

This new moral view is so ubiquitous that no one seems to notice what should be obvious.  If the ideal divorce is one where no one is to blame, then the ideal marriage is one where the vows have no moral meaning.

See Also:  Lovestruck

Posted in Denial, Divorce, Foolishness, Marriage, New Morality, Romantic Love, selling divorce | 202 Comments

From celibate boyfriend to celibate husband (true love doesn’t wait).

Pugsley’s story shows the folly of the celibate boyfriend:

When I met my then boyfriend-now husband, I told him right away that I was saving myself for marriage and he was fine with that because it was my body, my choice and he loved me.

We were together for six years before we got married.

Not surprisingly, her celibate boyfriend went on to become her celibate husband.  Part of this has to come from the selection process.  When a young woman sets out to find a celibate boyfriend instead of a husband, her selection criteria are going to be totally different.  A young woman looking for a husband will look for the best man she can attract, a man who fits the role of a husband and whom she can fall head over heels in love with.  A celibate boyfriend on the other hand is a totally different animal.  She needs to find someone without better options than to sign on as her official beta orbiter.  She also needs to find someone whom she isn’t too attracted to, or she might slip up herself.  Then after a suitable number of years of proving that she wasn’t in any hurry to marry (and most likely attaining her feminist merit badge), the celibate boyfriend is very often converted into a husband.

Again, this isn’t the biblical model.  The biblical model says marry if you burn with passion, then do it like rabbits.  The churchian model says to prove you really are in love by waiting to marry, most often several years, in a celibate romantic relationship.  The modern (unbiblical) view is that romantic love is purer than sex, and is what makes sex and marriage moral.  This overlooks the fact that like sex, romantic love is for marriage, and marriage is what makes sex and romantic love moral.

Posted in Finding a Spouse, Foolishness, Frigidity, New Morality, Romantic Love | 898 Comments

Corrupted purity.

MarcusD pointed out a recent article by Samantha Pugsley:  I Waited Until My Wedding Night To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I Hadn’t.  Salon published the same article under the title My Christian virginity pledge nearly destroyed me.

This is of course catnip for feminists (Christian or otherwise), who have been diligently inverting the very concept of sexual morality.  According to this new view, teaching sexual morality is immoral.  It is considered immoral because in the feminist view it disempowers women, especially young women.  Not surprisingly, an essential part of Pugsley’s “healing” is to remember that sex is only moral when it is miserly:

When I have sex with my husband, I make sure it’s because I have a sexual need and not because I feel I’m required to fulfill his desires.

Most of this is exactly what it seems, a rationalization for sexual immorality by women and feminists.  With that said, there is something creepy about the modern purity movement.  However, the perversion in modern Christianity is not teaching women (or men) virginity until marriage, but the often unspoken belief that women should delay marriage. Sexual desire isn’t presented as bad or dirty in the Bible. The biblical solution to sexual desire is to marry and have sex, but the vast majority of modern Christians are horrified at the idea of young marriage, especially for women. As a result of trying to teach purity while being hostile to traditional marriage, we end up with the perverse replacement of the father for the groom (scroll down to see all of the photos), the groom he is keeping her from marrying.

But make no mistake, the perversion isn’t in teaching virginity until marriage, but the accompanying hostility to women marrying in their late teens or early twenties.

Posted in Frigidity, Miserliness, New Morality, Ugly Feminists | 136 Comments

What is modern marriage for?

Why, divorce, of course:

The singular reason I wish I were actually married to my SO is so I could divorce his fucking ass.

Many would no doubt argue that this woman is an exception, and/or that no fault divorce isn’t about punishing men.  However, punishing men who make their wives unhappy is exactly what no fault divorce is designed to do, and everyone from academics to religious leaders is outright delighted by this.

While most will deny seeing no fault divorce as a system to punish men, nearly everyone implicitly acknowledges that no fault divorce is designed to punish men.  The ubiquitous retort to complaints about the unfairness of the divorce process for men is:

Prove that the men who lost their children, homes, and assets didn’t deserve to be punished.

It is worth noting that while no fault divorce is undeniably designed to be used to punish men, it is not designed to determine if the man in question is in fact guilty of anything.  This is the false veneer of fairness, because every man gets treated the same, guilty or not.  Of course in theory women could find themselves being the ones punished, but only in the very rare cases where a woman has taken on the traditional male role of primary breadwinner.  Given women’s strong preference for marrying men who out earn them, very few women are at risk of being mistaken for the man by the man-punishing machinery of no fault divorce and the family courts.

See Also:  

Posted in Denial, Divorce, Threatpoint | 682 Comments